Saturday, October 26, 2013

Thinking of my Nan... Happy Birthday Nanny Berl.

Today would have been my Nan's 73rd Birthday.  It's been 21 long years since my beautiful Nan grew her angel wings & was needed elsewhere & everyday I think of her & how different the family would be if she were still here. Nan or Nanny Beryl (Bubble or Nanny Berl) was the first person whose death made me realise we won't be here forever. It made me at 11 question everything I believed in & hate Cancer more than anything in the world. 

Yes, I had friends at school whose elderly Grandparents had died, but as a child you think, my family is young, they are going to be here for a long while yet. But that wasn't to be the case, because Nan died at 52... 52 is far too young! It is the age of my Mum now. This year really hit home, thinking of Mum at her age now no longer being here... Thinking of me, at my age now, without my Mum (as Mum was) was very hard to think about. 

We virtually lived at Nan's, Nan was with us all the time, we loved going to Nan's & Pop's place and would do so daily. Nan looked after us whilst Mum worked & because Nan didn't drive, Mum would take her grocery shopping with us every week. Such beautiful memories I have of Nan & will always hold dear. I remember their house more than my own growing up & I remember all the games she taught me, movies we watched and places we would go. 

One year Nan & Pop won a family holiday to Seaworld Nara Resort, they took my Mum, Brother & I along and we had the best time, we went on other holidays together to the Coast. Beautiful memories... 

I feel for my Pop, my heart breaks for him to lose the love of your life, your wife when you are 53, must feel like a lifetime of sadness & what ifs.. His house is filled with pictures of Nan & reminders of her such as soft toys, trinkets & even her dressing gown which made me cry to see hanging next to his after all these years. I never saw or heard Nan & Pop fight, never saw them say a harsh word to each other.. Just saw 2 people very much in love, enjoying life together, getting by & having a blast with friends & family. 

It breaks my heart that she didn't get to meet her third & final Grandchild, my cousin David. She loved us Grandkids so much, spoilt us absolutely rotten & I know she would be so proud of all of us today, all 3 of her Grandchildren & I so wish she could have been around to meet my kids, her Great Grandchildren as I know she would have adored them just the same. 

On my wedding day, I wore Nan's charm bracelet, I held the bible that she carried & I cried every time I looked at it cause I felt she was there... Sharing in my day & I wished she was there in person but knew she was there watching down over me. I have the charm bracelet in my jewellery box as a present on my 21st Birthday from my Pop, I take it out & look at it often as all the charms have a meaning & I remember playing with it on her arm & Mum and her collecting their charms together. 

Mum hasn't been the same since Nan died, Nan was a huge part of her & she lost a lot of her sparkle and security.. I guess her whole world changed.. Christmas' which were always spent together lost their sparkle, Mothers Day (which was the day they realised something wasn't quite right) never felt the same again & even Birthdays... I think Mum fearing each one that bought her closer to 52... Mum always said she was going to die at 51.. That she wouldn't live to see 52, but on October 6th this year she turned 52 and I drove home with her on the eve of her Birthday, late after a wedding  to make sure she made it to 52. She had me that worried.. 

Nan lived before computers, before fancy gadgets. Pop embraces all the new technology and I sometimes find it hard to think just how much things have changed since she passed. How the world was different... But how that we haven't changed, that we still miss her oh so much even though 21 long years have passed.  

Happy Birthday Nan.. I'm sure your partying up there with Great Nan, Grandad & every other special person who is no longer with us. Have a great big piece of cake & know we are all thinking of you on this day {and every other} I hope you loved your flowers that we chose for you.  xoxox 

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